When two people decide to form a union, they are embarking on a journey with many stops along the way to their destination. The destination in the promise of commitment they accepted at the beginning of the journey to stand by each other until death do them part. Their marriage is the bond that fuels their jet and they are the pilots that are one hundred percent responsible to get them to their destination. There are many parts to any adventure we create or call into being, this includes any partnerships between two people. However, in this case I am talking about love. The critical conversations such as those about money, conflict resolution, traditions, religion, faith, finances, and whether or not to bring children on board should happen before two people accept the invitation to enter into a partnership. After we ask our partners to make a commitment, we can now comfortably ask our partners to embark on an adventure.
As the pilots of your union, there are so many things to consider before taking off. Each pilot leaves behind or brings along people who are important to them such as children, parents, siblings, and friends. The two love birds, male and female, fly the plane from the start of the destination. They are both qualified pilots with significant know-how of what it takes to endure and succeed in their journey. The two pilots must learn how to navigate the numerous scenarios they could encounter with parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, choosing a best man and maid of honor, God parents, deaths or financial losses, as well as, family and cultural traditions.
In my first marriage, I lacked knowledge on how to be a copilot in my union with my late husband, Jotham. For instance, communication by phone was not available and public transportation required a day to travel. Communication via mail took more than a month, and sometimes got lost on the way since schools were used as community post offices and the postman was the school headmaster or mistress. The headmaster or mistress would open the school mailbox and call out the recipients of the letters for those within the community, and the students would deliver the letters to their families. If a child misses school or misses to hear the call for a family letter, then the letter was archived in a box. I recall one instance when I mailed my younger brother, who lived in Kenya, an invitation to apply for college admissions in the US. He received the letter one year later, because no one was present to receive the letter when it reached the school.
When it came to coordinating the events of our wedding day, communication was central to the many challenges we faced. We had to communicate how to unite our families from all parts of Kenya to attend the wedding ceremony at my church in Ngecha village, and then to the reception in Nairobi. Mind you, Jotham and I were living 100 miles apart. Finalizing our wedding took almost a year. We had to coordinate the logistics for our guests with limited resources, which meant renting a bus to transport attendees to and from their villages. The round trip journey for some of our guests was about 15 hours long. We soon realized that we had not accounted for the unexpected, and we anticipated embarking on our honeymoon the next day. However, after our reception in Nairobi, some of the attendees were stuck in the city with no place to sleep. So, we had to host them until Monday morning and delay our honeymoon to Monday evening.
As soon as Jotham and I arrived at our home, we removed our wedding attire and went grocery shopping at 8:00 pm.That night I cooked for a group of about ten people. I remember one couple with a baby who were dear friends to Jotham, travelled all the way from a small town called Molo, which was over 200 kilometer or 130 miles away. My late husband and I hosted the couple and other guests. We incurred extra expenses hosting our guests for the entire weekend. We were so exhausted after our guests departed. I ended up catching a cold by the time we arrived at our honeymoon destination at Saint Cuthbert’s on Limuru Way. I fell ill on our first night and Jotham had to rush me to the doctor at night. We spent three nights at Saint Cuthbert and on Thursday we proceeded to Narok where we would begin our journey as husband and wife.
Our almost forty-one years of marriage ended when Jotham went to be with the Lord. Even as I mourned my late husband’s absence, I knew that I did not want to spend the rest of my time on earth alone. Someday, God willingly, I would marry again. The approach to my second marriage was different from when I met Jotham. In my first marriage, I waited for my husband to approach me, which is the norm in the Gikuyu tradition and other parts of the world. However, when finding my husband, Geoffrey, I engaged and recruited my village (my children, friends, and community) to help me find a husband. My prayers for my late husband Jotham and Geoffrey were specific, yet different. I knew what I wanted, and this protected me from distractors. I told those who knew my late husband that I was looking for someone with similar characters as Jotham, a God-fearing man and servant leader. I described Jotham’s characteristics to those who were not fortunate to have known Jotham.
I was in my mid-70s when I married my husband Geoffrey. Unlike my first wedding which took almost one year, the preparations for my marriage to Geoffrey took only one week. Most of the wedding arrangements were done by Geoffrey and me by phone and video calls. A drastic improvement from the days of planning in person and communicating via postage. Our preparations included scheduling the notice/announcement in the Attorney’s General office, 20 minutes for us to exchange our vows, and assigning a family member as the photographer to record our special day. I designed and hand sewed my first wedding dress, but this time I chose a simple, elegant wedding attire. Our list included a best man, best maid, and two of Geoffrey’s children, a son and a daughter. Our small wedding party, which included our Uber driver, had lunch at a kiosk-type restaurant near the Attorney General’s office to avoid the lunch hour traffic jam, and by 2:00 pm we were resting in a hostel located just outside the city of Nairobi.
My first marriage taught me that you cannot change an adult person, but you can adapt or alter your approach to make living together amicable. It is my responsibility to align my part and leave him alone to deal with his side. I learned not to argue on anything small or big in order to be the winner. To trust my spouse and to know that he is responsible for his commitment to his marriage. That I let him be free to speak to any female without letting my thoughts or doubt anything. Him being a pastor, I never questioned any of the phone calls he received from church or outside the church. When it came to disciplining our children or household matters, I supported Jotham’s decisions to prevent our children from using our differences for their advantage.
Applying everything learned in my first marriage to my late husband has helped me transition money-wise, time-wise, and in all aspects of merging our blended family which consists of five dozen people. Now, I spend more time learning what I do not know. Every day I am learning from my children and grandchildren, how best to communicate with each of them. This has taken patience, being a good listener, being a diligent learner of all things regarding child development, asking questions, being honest about my shortcomings, and sharing openly my fears or concerns. I’ve had to master every name in the family, learn every voice, and understand the intricacies of each child so that I know how best to approach each of them. They are our God-given gifts, that Geoffrey and I are called to steward. So, each day I call upon God to help me and he hasn’t failed me yet…and he will not.