“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them,” (Proverbs 13:24, NIV). As a young parent, I used my parents’ discipline methods on my own kids. I grew up knowing that parents and adults were never to be questioned, and I found it difficult to adhere to this. When I broke the water container- calabash after leaving the river slipped off on a rainy wet path, my mother pinched my cheeks, gave me another calabash, and sarcastically told me to break that one also. I felt bad that I was not able to convince my mother that it was an accident and not my wish that the calabash broke. When I fought with my brothers, she would ask us to fight each other before beating both of us and telling us to respect each other. However, my father never whipped me.
As a young father, my greatest desire was to be considered a good father despite my weaknesses. I drank too much, mismanaged my income, and I would go home reeking of alcohol. I was afraid of my children seeing my weaknesses, so I left it upon my wife to cover for my bad behavior. I would get home drunk, and mostly I wasn’t hungry, so my wife would place a seat outside the house and ask me to sit in the cool air until she put the children to sleep once they finished eating. She did her best to make sure that the kids were far removed from me when I was drunk. I was barely spending time with my family since I would go to the bar after work then sit outside the home until the children were asleep. I couldn’t eat when I was drunk because I was afraid of vomiting, and I later developed stomach ulcers. At the hospital, the doctor related my ulcers to the worries of raising up a family and cautioned me that I should stop worrying or else I would die and the children would not be able to continue life and education.
After I became a born again Christian, I realized that if I had continued drinking, I would never have educated my eight children since I squandered the meager salary I was earning at the time. As a Christian, I found the time to dedicate myself to worthwhile projects. Since I was no longer spending considerable time in bars, I began farming in the town with my wife. The money I saved from my salary was used to open a small clothing business for my wife in a bid to earn extra money. We became more open about our finances, and I was able to become more adept at handling the finances. Gradually, I developed greater peace of mind regarding our family’s finances.
When I got saved, I just assumed that my children would also be saved if I took them to church and they watched me. I was wrong. They grew up in a harsh household where they had to religiously follow whatever I told them as their father and preacher. I banned the girls from braiding hair, wearing pants, among other things. I never saw them as individual beings, and I felt like a failure whenever my children would come to visit me with their spouses, their hair braided, wearing jewelry and pants, with my grandkids dressed up like their parents. I later realized that I was the one who was saved and that they would let God in their lives for their own sake, not my glory of a successful father. Parenthood was a gift from God who told Adam and Eve”…be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it… (Genesis: 1:28, NIV). “Children are gifts from the Lord; they are rewards from him” (Psalms 127:3, NLT). The fear of being a bad father and being harsh to my family to cover up my weakness was not the way to go. I needed to be humble before God, and let Him provide me with the wisdom to raise my children.
I have been blessed with the opportunity of raising various kids, including my own children, grandkids, and great-grandkids. I have learned to protect the resources needed for their care, and God has helped me pass blessings on to the children, to counsel them, and to be able to take care of them through various stages of growth. I had realized how I missed taking care of my daughters through their monthly cycle and left it to their mother, and not be able to hold discussions with them as they navigate through the difficult emotions every month. I missed the questions they would have asked me and the insight that I would have gained.
When my wife passed on, I called my adult children some married and some single and informed them that since I was the only living parent I would take on both roles, as a father and a mother. I wanted them to know that they should not hesitate to come to me whenever they had a question that they would have asked their mother, and promised that I would answer them the best way I could. I am grateful to God because for eleven years I was able to do my best, and also learned some of the things I missed because their mother took care. I am blessed because when I remarried I had support in the area. Parenting is more than just laying down the law, and I am blessed that I have had the opportunity to understand the various facets of parenting, and to understand that children are also individuals, not extensions of the parents.