I failed to share with my children my life’s struggles, and how I thrived. I wore a face mask while bringing them up the way I thought was best for them. I put it on this page to tell it as it happened in my day that circumstances led me to do things for myself at their age. I realize my childhood struggles are not to kept secret, but instead are a source of healthy and vital information to helo them learn that life has many ups and downs.
When I was at the age of my now adult children (late 30s to early 40s), I had a house aid to do the house chores and all things for my children. I minimized the challenges they were experiencing as new parents, pretending like I had lived the same life I had given them. When in fact, the culture and technological Era in which they were raising my grandchildren was much different than the one they grew up in. They were also exposed to classism and the luxuries afforded to some of their peers at a very early age. This was much different from my childhood where everyone was poor. I did not feel any different from my peers, and I did not even realize that I was ‘poor’ nor did I have the concept of lacking as a young child.
At an early age, one of my children showed their late father what they perceived was the best car for him to drive, a Mercedes-Benz, that picked up some of the other children at Muthajga Primary School in Nairobi, where they attended. Our car was a used Ford station wagon, which broken down every now and then, somewhere midway on their daily trip to school. One day as they were driving to school, they passed a Mercedes-Benz stopped on the side of the road with a flat tire. My husband used the opportunity to teach our children a life lesson. He told them “Look, our car is also a good car. See, my car is working and the Mercedes-Benz is stopped on the roadside.” The children were speechless. They learned that even the shiniest most expensive car, like a Mercedes-Benz, breaks down too.
There’s much to be said about African culture in general and the secretive nature of child rearing. A friend of mine, confessed that she used to receive funds to help educate her children in high school, and to this day she has never shared with her children about the financial struggles she and her husband experienced. She said that, “knowing would make them hate us, as parents.” Their family was well off before the tribal clashes of 1992. However, things took a turn for the worse soon afterwards, and they found themselves sleeping on the floor with two little kids that could not comprehend what had transpired.
While raising my children, I undermined the fact that my grit and tenacious spirit that has helped me persevere from day to day came from my parents’ exposuring me to the realities of life. I learned a great deal by joining my mother as she performed various tasks, such as gardening, house chores, fetching water from the river, constructing the outside house toilet, getting firewood, and more other things. I was exposed to all of these life skills at an early age. Much earlier than the age my own children were when they began to participate in the daily activities that are essential to the functionality of family life.
As I reflect on my life’s journey, I am grateful for opportunities that came as a result of our migration to the US. Although at the time, it was overwhelming. My late-husband and I could not afford to hire a house aid. This gave me the opportunity to teach our children to do things for themselves. I wanted to give them life skills and to leave them with something that would strengthen them, and not make them feel as though they had some sort of disadvantage because their parents could not afford to hire a home aid. I made sure my children did not use their father’s car, or anything their dad had worked for. Instead, I convinced them that they were capable of working and buying the things they wanted. I encouraged them to buy a car even better than their late-father’s, since they were staying at home rent-free. I wanted them to learn to trust and depend on themselves.
After their father had passed away, no one was interested in inheriting his three vehicles since they had better cars. All three vehicles remained in the driveway. No one coveted our house because they resided in homes in the neighborhood of their choice. My kids often remind me that “all the things my husband and I had acquired both in the US and in Kenya belonged to us, their parents.” For we educated them enough to enable them to figure their own way out.
“Kwenda mūno gūkūraga rūrīra.” Wrong love, disciplines a kid.” We, as parents, disable our children by giving them the wrong love and bothering God with lots of prayers to enable our child. Knowing all the while, it is us who contributed to our children’s helplessness. Our children become lost in the world and confused about their self-identity once they leave home.
One day I was listening to a child who described himself as being “soft” or as in feminine-like. As he explained to his peers that there were no scars (not even a single scratch) on his legs. They are like a girl’s legs. He proceeded to share how his mother was close to him and protected him from falling, even when crawling. This was a reality far from what I had experienced. By the time I had reached the end of high school, my parents expected me to go to boarding school and to survive life all by myself.
There’s no manual for parenting. No number of books can prepare us for the unexpected challenges that come along the way. Being a parent is a continuous education course, we discover much about ourselves and our offspring along the way. As parents, let us seek information about the best rearing practices, utilizing all resources such as Scripture, courses on child development, mental health, financial planning, and seek mentorship from those we respect. Let us kick out fear, deficiencies, behaviors, addictions, generational trauma of any kind.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” ~ Proverbs 22:6 ESV
“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.” ~ Titus 2:7-8